While on one of my endless sleepless nights last night, I saw 'him' come online he must've been checking his emails or something, he wasn't on long, maybe 1/2 an hour....but I sat there watching that little green circle, it still gave me butterflies, briefly, before I remembered we're done, we're over, as he put it....I still watched the green circle, it made me feel close to him for a while, and then it went out and I felt like my heart stopped beating...I think I cried for about 2 hours and then fell asleep hugging my Navi pillow....At least I know he's OK, I've been worried about him and his stress levels and the tummy issues he has when he's under pressure.I know he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever loved me, but just because he lied to me I never lied to him I meant every single word I ever said to him, every word of praise, every word of love and admiration.....you don't give up someone you promised to love forever, some one you asked to share your life with, someone you wanted to have children with, someone you swore you would never leave, someone you promised to always be friends with through a cold heartless email you at least give them the dignity of a decent ending, he couldn't even say "I still love you, but..." no he had to be cruel about it, how can you be so indifferent to someone you love...unless you never really loved them at all...that's the only explanation....
I wish I could move on and forget him as easily and as coldly as he threw me away, I wish I could hate him, but I don't I just feel betrayed by him
I feel like I've regressed 6 years, I am that same paranoid, lonely, broken spirited teenager, who doesn't trust anyone, who has walls up around herself, who won't let anyone in...I had just started to love my life and now I am back where I started, alone, desolate, hopeless, faithless. I will never do this again, I will never let someone take advantage of me again like that, never. Even if it means I am alone for the rest of my life, better that than, be used by someone I trusted beyond all others...
He didn't just break my heart, he broke my soul, my spirit, my belief in love, my faith in people, I feel like some gutted carcass, empty inside. I might smile, laugh, try to joke, but it's all just muscle movement it means nothing. I really am dead inside and I will never be awakened again. I know that, because I know myself, it hurt me too much for me to ever let myself be in this position again.
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