Weekend update...

It's been eleven days since I spoke to him, one week since his last email and 21 hours since I last contacted him.....and I am fighting the urge to sign into my email account, because I know I will send him an email or something....I'm psychotic!

So I woke up this morning all the contents of my closet were on the floor in one huge pile....I don't remember doing it, I guess I went on one of my Ambien driven night adventures I didn't drink that much the night before....I went to church I took confession this morning. Maybe the bad things that have been happening to me are because I haven't been in such a long time, maybe if I repented some things make work out for me more. I lit a candle for Yaya and Uncle H. I came home, threw everything back into my closest, and went back to bed.Got up made apple pie, not sure why I had apples and pastry and needed something to do with my time. Then I spent the rest of the day changing all my passwords from navibear711 to anything that doesn't remind me of my boyfriend. Cried for a while, had a heart to heart with my stuffed rabbit, not Ambien induced, unfortunately that was all me.. I sometimes have these conversations in my head, and sometimes I speak out loud, and today was one of those days where I mulled over the unfairness of life and how everything sucks.. Bunny agrees..

Over the Edge

The Cliffs of Etretat - Zois Shuttie

I won’t go to his funeral, not after the way he treated me. I had loved him so much, I showered praise and gifts and love on him and after what he did to me there was no way I’d go to his funeral.

It had all started the summer beforehand we’d met in a bar; he was so handsome tall, strong with a million dollar smile. We’d hit it off the second we’d met, he loved modern art too and all the same films as I did, it was almost too good to be true. We talked until the bar closed, then we walked down to the cliffs and looked out over the ocean, he took his jacket off and put it around my shoulders, and we talked until the sun came up and as it did we had our first kiss. Things progressed from there, but in warp speed, we were so in love, we spoke every day and had dates every night, we talked about our future together. One night a few weeks later we went back to the cliffs, we had a midnight picnic and a blanket, and champagne. It was a magical night, we made love for the first time and that’s when I knew we would be together forever.

The next day he didn’t call the first time in 3 weeks. Was he sick? Had he been in an accident?  I called his number but I got his voice mail service, I left a cute message. A day passed, and then two. I was frantic! Why wasn’t he answering his phone, and my emails? Something terrible must have happened to him he would never completely ignore me in this cold way. A week later I got a call, he seemed nervous; he wanted to meet at our special place on the cliffs. I was excited I prepared another picnic bought a bottle of expensive wine, and sexy new underwear. My heart was leaping as I made my way to the cliffs as I came up I could see him standing there in the silvery moonlight. I smiled, he turned and smiled back. He had something to tell me…in our most romantic place…was he going to propose after only a few weeks? My heart was racing I could hardly breathe, we had some wine, and made love, then he stood up and he told me what he wanted to say… it was over. Things were going too fast. He needed space. He was sorry.

I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. He’d just drunk my expensive wine and had sex with me and then this………….?! And he said it all so coolly as if it was nothing to him. I felt the indignation the humiliation the rage building up inside me. I leaped up and charged him, he side stepped and I felt his hand on my back he pushed me, I tumbled forward towards the edge of the cliff. I felt my footing slip, the ground gave way underneath my feet I called out his name as I fell.

It wasn’t long before I started following him, within 2 weeks he was back at the bar we had met at, hitting on a small petite blonde. I watched them as they laughed and smiled as he pulled all the same moves on her. When the bar closed he took her to the cliffs. To our special place!! They watched the sun come up as I watched them. How could he do this to me?

My heart was breaking as I followed them he took her to all the places he’d taken me he even bought her the same butterfly necklace and they made love in our special place. That is when I decided it was time for revenge.

He went through his little routine much the same as with me and when it came to the night I knew he would break up with her, I waited in the trees.

She came all happy and full of hope, expecting a wonderful date with her fantastic boyfriend. The story pretty much played out the same way, except he told her that  he wasn’t ready for another relationship so soon after me, he was sorry but he hoped she understood, she was quiet and stunned yet understanding, she left tears in her eyes.

So this was it, he chose a girl had some fun with her for a while, and when he was done he threw her away and went on to the next victim, what a bastard. Someone needed to teach him a lesson!!

He stood in the moonlight, whistling to himself, I hated him I loved him still but I hated him too at the same time. I stepped out of the shadows into the light, I called his name, he turned to look at me…his reaction was almost comical…at first my presence didn’t register and then a  look of disbelief, and then horror, he made a squawking sound that almost made me laugh. I advanced on him… as I did he began to take steps back, shrieking.  He lost his footing and fell to the ground he scrambled backwards, and disappeared. I stood at the edge of the cliff and watched his body splayed on the rocks below….

So no I won’t go to his funeral…why should I, he never came to mine.

Santa Visits Annual Holiday by the Bay

Invitations are now in the mail for residents to attend the "Holiday by the Bay," Dec. 3 (4-9pm), at Ludovici Park. The bayside library park,is home to the Edward & Arlene Feller Amphitheater, and will be transformed into a winter wonderland, complete with musical performances, midway rides, arts & crafts booths, and food vendors. There will also be a special appearance by Santa Claus -- so be sure to take time to get your photo with the big guy this year. Families will also have an opportunity to make their own holiday ornaments, write letters to Santa, and shop around at the Holiday Bazaar -- all right on the grounds of Ludovici Park. For information, contact Mary Fernandez or call 305-721-0033. Be sure to visit the Village website for additional information and links to our community sponsors.

http://www.palmettobay-fl.gov 


EVENT DETAILS:

   

When:  Saturday, Dec. 3, 4pm-9pm

Where:  Ludovici Park, 17641 Old Cutler Road, Palmetto Bay

Sponsors:  TotalBank, South Motors Honda, County Commissioner-District 8 Lynda  Bell, and C3TS Engineering/Architecture.

When it all becomes too much

I used to think that people who committed suicide were crazy, or weak, or flawed. That it was some kind of character defect. Why would anyone want to end their life?What kind of a lame person must you be that you can't take a little stress in life and you want to cash out. But I think now that sometimes some people are just so sad and desolate and have no hope, that the pain is so unbearable and there seems to be no end in sight, you don't even want to die essentially you just want the pain to stop. It's not that other solutions don’t exist, but rather that just can't see them. The intense emotional pain that you’re feeling distorts your thinking so it becomes harder to see the solutions to  your problems.
Sometimes your sadness can be connected to someone else and they refuse to help you or understand what you're going through, because they're so wrapped up in themselves and they think your problems aren't "suicide worthy" or they react badly to your feelings, because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. Sometimes even you think maybe the people around you will be better off if you're dead. Truth is not everyone can shut off their emotions, not everyone is dead inside and can shut down their feelings, different people have different levels of tolerance, what seems like no big deal to one person might be too much for another to handle

Evil sperm.....

Wisdom of the ancients

First Annual Thanksgiving Food Giveaway.

 

Village Councilmember Patrick Fiore spent last weekend sharing the Thanksgiving spirit with Village residents through his “First Annual Thanksgiving Food Giveaway.” Mr. Fiore teamed up with Christ Fellowship, Publix, and Café Sedanos to deliver food baskets to dozens of families throughout the Village.

“The Thanksgiving season is a special time to reflect on our lives and the positive things that bring us together as a community,” said Councilman Fiore. “It’s important to help those families that may be struggling to make ends meet.”
Together with Christ Fellowship, Councilman Fiore was able to select families in the Village that could really use a helping hand during these hard economic times.”
The Councilman said the joy that people expressed was “the biggest reward a person can ask for.” He plans to continue this Thanksgiving Food Giveaway every year as part of his commitment to the residents of Palmetto Bay.

For information, contact Councilman Patrick Fiore, by calling 786-200-9344.

.

If I Die Young...

 

A penny for my thoughts,
Oh no,
I'll sell em' for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
and maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing
funny when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song.....


I don't know why I have always known I will die young. I just don't think I have long in this life, probably because everything good I ever have I lose, and the best thing you can have in this life is...life..and somehow I just know I'll be cheated out of that too...The idea of death used to freak the fuck out of me. But just recently I have seen it from a different light. If there is an afterlife and I died young, I'd have less sins to atone for. If there isn't an afterlife then I am out of my misery.

If I were dead and buried.....

You ever had that dream where you attend your own funeral and watch all your loved ones (and enemies) cry/gloat over your demise?
I've always wondered what that would be like...We never really know how people feel about us, the people we think love us maybe they don't love us as much as we think...and the people we think hate us, maybe they are misunderstood. But it doesn't matter who you are or what you've done (unless you are a mass murder a la Pol Pot or Hitler) once you're dead all of a sudden you become saintly. People forget all the bad things and only remember the good, they make excuses for you and the things you've done, and they blame themselves for not treating you better. Maybe it comes from that whole De mortuis nihil nisi bonum "Don't speak ill of the dead" thing. We tend to glorify the dead maybe because we feel guilty about something we did to them in their life or maybe we miss them and there's nothing we can do about it so the only thing we can do is put our loved lost ones on a pedestal.

Lately I've been having a morbid obsession with this subject, maybe the death of my favorite uncle in May, my grandmother last week and the death of my relationship (which meant more to me than anything) has something to do with it all.I had a dream last night where I was dead (or maybe faking it?!) and I was at my graveside at Woodlawn Park next to my grandparents, my mom was crying my dad too and he was remorseful for the shitty way he's been treating me lately and for bugging out when I quit school this semester, he kept saying he was sorry and if he could have one more day with me he would make it up to me.And my (ex?) boyfriend was there too and he was wishing he'd spoken to me all those times I called him and left him tearful voice messages...he wished he'd let me know he was OK when I was frantic with worry when he cut me off to take his little "break". And as twisted as it sounds, I think I felt some kind of satisfaction by knowing they were remorseful, by knowing only now did they realize what they had in me....and then I thought...(in my dream/nightmare) what does it matter? I'm dead, I'll never be able to feel the warmth I used to feel from my dad before our relationship was stressed, I'd never be able to snuggle up to my baby and bask in his love. I think that's when I woke up...weird... Maybe I need to lay off the Ambien and Tequila!



"If I were dead and buried And I heard your voice, Beneath the sod My heart of dust Would still rejoice." -- Dalton Trumbo

Space.....the final frontier........

Many of us have  heard those famous words "I need space... give me my space..."
But what does that really mean? Are you together but just not talking? Are you broken up? How long do you wait without any response before you move on?
Here's what a few random strangers think:

Astaroth:  It's just another way of saying, "I'm breaking up with you soon".

Pretty anz Girl:  I thinks it means that they feel they need to be apart from their relationship to sort whatever is going in their mind.

Llama Swagger:  Either you're too clingy or they're just not that interested in you anymore.

Ace:  I'm going to give you all a wake up call. Most of the time when we guys say we need time/space, especially when the relationship was long term, is because we are ready to end the relationship. The time and space we need is usually so we can think of how to break up with you.

Shalisha :  Hi. Don't complicate it. "I need space" means they've broken up with you. If you try to give it other meanings, it will only keep you hoping. Leave the person alone and don't contact them or return calls for at least 3 weeks.

JDGuy:  Typically if someone asks for space they are not really all that in to the relationship. An excellent book to read on that topic, among others, is "he's just not that into you" by greg behrendt. It is quite humerous at times and really gets the point across about a number of relationship issues...

Belgaron:  They want to be left alone until they want to get laid!!


Adam Taylor: Depends on the person.For some, space is an excuse to get away from someone they don't want to be with.For others, it's a release from a scary situation... like when they feel pressured into something.

S.Shay:  wtf . what is space ?? a guys ask me for space i’ll give him space alright .
enough space so i can get on with my life !! I am not a kid and i don’t have time to be playing childish games .
If there is a problem then we better fix it and move the relationship forward .

Emanuella: “Check out something for a minute and come back without having the guilt of them cheating.”
If he’s checking out, there is no coming back. I’m not a revolving door. Come in whenever you feel like it. What the hell is that. Thats what children do. He wants space “map fut bey espace.”


What does it mean to you when your significant other asks for space?

• 
  

It's just another way of saying, "I'm breaking up with you soon"

The end of the world

You know how in movies, two people fall in love, then something really bad happens, and then they overcome it and run back into each other’s arms at the last minute  and kiss in the rain and live happily ever after? Well, in real life, two people fall in love, then something really bad happens, and then it's the end.

I begged, I cried, I pleaded, I humiliated myself, and I got nothing back. All I wanted was 2 minutes of his life, to apologize and tell him I understood he wouldn’t give it to me

I’ve often scoffed at girls who act like it’s the end of the world when they lose a boyfriend, but now I understand. Losing someone you love so much, for no apparent reason, really fucking sucks, it hurts like a motherfucker and no matter how much you cry or how much snot runs out of your nose, it still fucking hurts after the tears are gone so you cry some more, and scream at how unfair the world is. But nothing helps, not the Ambien, not the tequila, not the tears… fuck my life…..seriously I know with time it’s going to get better but right now I can’t stand how much it hurts.

It really does feel like the end of the world and I apologize to every blog post I ever read similar to this where I called the writer a loser for wanting to die over something as stupid as an ex-boyfriend.

Thing is when you’ve met your soul mate the one you know you want to spend your life with, the one who asks you to be his wife and have his babies  and then it doesn’t work out… what do you have to look forward to? No one else will be him, no one else will understand me like him, or make me laugh, like him.

I don't want someone else, I don't want someone better, I want him, I love him.

Yaya...

I am back from the funeral...it was horrible..just so horrible. I guess funerals are never nice. There were so many people there, I had never realized how many people's lives Yaya had touched, people I didn't even know. Everyone had nice things to say about her, I guess no one ever says bad things about the deceased at their funeral, but it was nice to hear she was loved and liked by so many people and that she will never be forgotten.The house is full of people right now and I have escaped to my room. I just want to be alone for a while.And remember Yaya and have those memories all to myself instead of sharing them with other people. This is how I want to remember her smiling and happy. I love you Yaya.

Alone

It hurts to know you were once mine. It hurts to know I'll always be your girl but you're no longer my man and there's nothing I can do about it. I miss you. Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of feeling ugly. I'm tired of being unwanted. I'm tired of being alone.

So it is official - according to everyone else

I am single, my relationship is over. In my attempt to help my boyfriend not stress out I have inadvertently created the demise of our relationship....
I have asked friends, I have asked my shrink, who I called last night, I have asked my mother, everyone I can think of and they all say the same thing..it's over.
I just can't believe a man who asked me to be his wife, who wanted to start a family with me could be so cruel and cold.
I didn't expect him to answer my drunken really badly spelled messages from the other night, but I thought if he heard my voice and the confusion of not knowing what was going on in my voice message then he might just take 5 seconds of his life to email me and say something like :"No we're OK We haven't broken up don't be silly,I love you I just need some more time to finish what I am doing" - but nothing. I call him, he doesn't answer, so i tell myself, maybe the phone didn't ring his end...I am still making excuses for him. So I guess we are broken up. He couldn't even tell me he was sorry that my grandma died....knowing how sad and lonely I feel he couldn't even do that for me... does he hate me?
I honest to God thought that taking a break for a while, letting him get his work done without having to worry about me was the best thing, I thought it was understood that we'd still communicate somehow, yet all my communications have fallen on deaf ears.
I know he's busy, but don't tell me he doesn't take 10 mins to walk and feed Chloe, or take a bathroom break, or make himself a meal, he can't email me that we're good during that time?

At my wits end, I even asked the advice of complete and impartial strangers, they all pretty much said the same thing - it's over... even if he was that busy knowing how upset you are over your grandmother he would have at least sent you an email of condolences.
So I guess that's it. It hasn't sunk in yet, I have still checked my email 20 times this morning, hoping he might have sent me an email of comfort at the last minute... but nothing.. time to stop checking my email.
I wish I could hate him as much as he very obviously despises me... but I can't.
So I need to cut all ties with him and try to stop thinking about him and try to move on...I've lost not just my boyfriend, but also my best friend, I am truly alone in the world right now.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

Adíos Yaya.........

Today is my grandmother's funeral.  I want to pretend it isn't I want to pretend it's anyone's funeral but hers. One of the last things she said to me, was that she had no regrets and I can't help wondering, when it's my time to clock out will I have regrets? I have regrets right now, and I haven't lived half as long as Yaya.

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” - Joseph Campbell