Nochebuena / Navidad

Friday night Pops and I went out to get the lechóncito for our nochebuena party, was kinda pissed I wasn't expecting to drive him around (he hurt his arm), but my two idiot brothers were building la caja china, based on plans they got from a Puerto Rican and you know how that is going to turn out!

Miami's version of Xmas trees

 My dad and I drove in absolute silence, we're still not speaking I am still officially the worst daughter in existence and deserve to be treated like crap, funny how all the men in my life who are supposed to love me unconditionally treat me like something they stepped in. We picked up a shitload of booze, just my thing!! And our 95lb lechon. I just sat there playing with my new phone and he sat in stony silence, I can't believe I have alienated my own father over a man who never gave a rat's ass about me. My dad was only looking out for me, he only wanted my best interest and he saw Nav for what he really was, but I was so blinded by 'love' I couldn't.

We cooked for what seemed like freaken' hours there was so much food it was insane,and my idiot brothers built the stupid BBQ, with our pig marinaded cut open and ready for the spit, we relaxed a bit and let the part begin. It was kinda cold but not too cold that we couldn't fan out into the garden and huddle around the pig.I might not have gotten into the spirit of Nochebuena but I did get into the mijitos! By the time the food came around I was more than a little tipsy.
It was 11:20 when we left for midnight Mass, I was actually more than a little tipsy by this time, and my out of tune renditions of Hark the Herald Angels sing and Come O Ye Faithful, left a lot to be desired It didn't help that Tio kept telling me I sucked between every chorus.

With Mass over and back at Casa Valenseula it was time to open gifts. I won't go into details because well I didn't deserve anything this year, apparently......
The best part of the day I think was after my parents went to bed at about 2 am my brothers and I played beer pong and I think I won....not sure I woke up drooling on the TV room floor which must be the sign of a good night.
Christmas Day passed without event, I got a little emotional towards the end of the night, I suppose there was a little part of me that hoped Nav would call/text/email me something.........anything, but the majority of me knew his selfish tendencies wouldn't let him bother to show any kind of human emotion.
So I went to bed that night hugging my Navi Pillow and crying....he can still make me cry even now...even though I know he never loved me, even with the despicable way he has treated me in the last few weeks I still care about him...I'm an idiot!

Life so far......

So looks like I will be going to NJ after all, even though it's not to be with Nav.When we broke up my life went to shit and with the grief over my grandmother and the pain of losing him too I got a little crazy. I couldn't sleep so I was taking Ambien, and drinking quite a lot and just couldn't deal with school, he did this to me 3 weeks before my finals knowing how it would affect me he wasn't kidding when he told my brother he needed to be selfish, that was beyond selfish. So yeah I quit school which brought  the wrath of my father down upon me, I don't blame him I just blew $30k and for what, over a guy who really didn't give a rats ass about me. So Pops said he wouldn't pay for me to retake the semester, that was his first reaction, but I knew my dad and his obsession with education. So as punishment, he was going to make me miss next semester and start over in the fall, which means losing an entire year and graduating in 2013 instead of 2012. Little did he know I had already transferred to Rutgers and have my loan in place, a loan I have no idea how I am going to pay back, I got it with Navi's encouragement because he said he'd help me pay for it :( now there's no Navi, no support and I am fucked with a student loan I can't pay back. But anyway, if I go to Rutgers for the semester, I am hoping this will encourage my father to let me finish over the summer or I might even take a summer semester at Rutgers myself and that way I can graduate in August instead of having to wait until 2013. It sucks and it will mean I would have to take out another loan over the one I already can't pay off but hey at least I'll be done with school and can look forward to looking for work and branching out on my own and trying to make up some of the loan money I will owe!

La Cuba Mia

My mom will be playing this song right up until New Year's Eve *groan*

Quiero pasear sin amargura
Por la calle de tu recuerdo
Y rescatar por fin al niño de mi pensamiento

Porque el tiempo y la memoria
(porque el tiempo y la memoria)
Juegan juntos en nuestra historia

Se me fue toda una vida
(se me fue toda una vida)
Y tu imagen no se me borra, no, no, no

Quiero volver sin mirar atrás
Poder vivir para perdonar
Quiero sentir, quiero regresar
A la Cuba mía

(quiero volver sin mirar atrás
Poder vivir para perdonar
Quiero sentir, quiero regresar
A la Cuba mía)

Se me confunden con los años
Las imágenes en mis sueños
Pero te sigo recordando
Tierra mía cada momento

Con el son y con la clave
(con el son y con la clave)
Con el sol y la arena suave

 Y mi mente se imagina
(y mi mente se imagina)
Caminando por santos suárez

Quiero volver sin mirar atrás
Poder vivir para perdonar
Quiero sentir, quiero regresar
A la Cuba mía

(quiero volver sin mirar atrás
Poder vivir para perdonar
Quiero sentir, quiero regresar
A la Cuba mía)

(quiero volver)
Quiero volver, quiero cantar,
Quiero abrazar y disfrutar
A la Cuba mía

(quiero volver)
Seguro que a allí volveremos
Y en tu nombre cantaremos
Como lo quisiste tú

 ... a la Cuba mía

(quiero volver) sin mirar atrás
(poder vivir) para perdonar
(quiero sentir), quiero regresar
(a la Cuba mía), a la Cuba mía

(con tu arenga y tu son, oye
Conquistaste al mundo entero
Y cuba fue lo primero siempre
Dentro de tu corazón... Celia)

(quiero volver sin mirar atrás
Poder vivir para perdonar
Quiero sentir, quiero regresar
A la Cuba mía, a la Cuba mía
A la Cuba mía)... a la Cuba mía.

I am losing my mind...

While on one of my endless sleepless nights last night, I saw 'him' come online he must've been checking his emails or something, he wasn't on long, maybe 1/2 an hour....but I sat there watching that little green circle, it still gave me butterflies, briefly, before I remembered we're done, we're over, as he put it....I still watched  the green circle, it made me feel close to him for a while, and then it went out and I felt like my heart stopped beating...I think I cried for about 2 hours and then fell asleep hugging my Navi pillow....At least I know he's OK, I've been worried about him and his stress levels and the tummy issues he has when he's under pressure.I know he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever loved me, but just because he lied to me I never lied to him I meant every single word I ever said to him, every word of praise, every word of love and admiration.....you don't give up someone you promised to love forever, some one you asked to share your life with, someone you wanted to have children with, someone you swore you would never leave, someone you promised to always be friends with through a cold  heartless email you at least give them the dignity of a decent ending, he couldn't even say "I still love you, but..." no he had to be cruel about it, how can you be so indifferent to someone you love...unless you never really loved them at all...that's the only explanation....
I wish I could move on and forget him as easily and as coldly as he threw me away, I wish I could hate him, but I don't I just feel betrayed by him
I feel like I've regressed 6 years, I am that same paranoid, lonely, broken spirited teenager, who doesn't trust anyone, who has walls up around herself, who won't let anyone in...I had just started to love my life and now I am back where I started, alone, desolate, hopeless, faithless. I will never do this again, I will never let someone take advantage of me again like that, never. Even if it means I am  alone for the rest of my life, better that than, be used by someone I trusted beyond all others...
He didn't just break my heart, he broke my soul, my spirit, my belief in love, my faith in people, I feel like some gutted carcass, empty inside. I might smile, laugh, try to joke, but it's all just muscle movement it means nothing. I really am dead inside and I will never be awakened again. I know that, because I know myself, it hurt me too much for me to ever let myself be in this position again.

Dolphins vs Eagles....

I am not a football fan, but I could be! My team is the Eagles, not for any other reason than that was my ex boyfriend's team, and when he unceremoniously dumped me via email without any respect to my feelings, I decided I would keep the team....
Last night during a hardcore game of (root) beer (floats) pong, with my neighbors and her brother, there was a call, a work mate of his was not going to be able to make the game and they knew it was last minute but could they get someone to take the ticket.....it was offered to me...why I said yes I have no idea, partly because it would mean an escape form the usual Spicday festivals...
First it was raining, and I was running late, I have no idea what appropriate football cheering attire is so I went with jeans, a tank and a hoodie, I still don't understand how it took me 3 hours to decide on that.
The drive to the Sunlife Stadium was tedious and as we were running late, thanks to me, it was jam packed and parking was a bitch.We thanked God that it had stopped raining so we wouldn't get wet on our long trek to the stadium, but no sooner had the last car door been slammed then we were slammed..........with rain!

Soaking and miserable and now cold from the wind, I sat sulking in my 20th row chair where I could hardly see a thing. I had already decided I was going to hate it, so I might as well get into a hateful mood.
The teams came out on to the field, the coin was tossed - Miami won and deferred to the second half, damned if I knew what that meant, despite me being a die hard (?) Eagles fan, I was proud of the Dolphins for winning the pure luck of the spinning of a coin. I might have jumped up at the wrong times, I might have yelled myself hoarse and maybe screaming "KILL THEM" is more suited to a death match rather than a football game, and the fact that I didn't know WTF was going on for most of the time,but I had a great time. The atmosphere, the adrenaline, the chanting, those damned trumpets, the comradery, the fries and hotdog I had, and the hot coffee that kept my hands warm just when they were about to fall off..I get why people go to sporting events I always thought it was dumb before, like why put yourself out when you could just watch it at home from the comfort of your couch?
I still don't know anything more about football than I did before I went, but I would definitely go again just for the experience....and the fries.

Thought of the day.....

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...

It's over....

I have good days...I have bad days and then I have the worst days of my life...I feel like I am back in high school, unwanted, unloved, worthless...the person I adore the person I love most in this world made me feel worthless.It's a terrible feeling to have to live with, sometimes I think I can't, it's too much, alcohol dulls the pain a little but the nights are the worst, when you turn out the lights and your mind plays out your entire relationship, like some cruel twisted movie, bent on hurting you. I Keep asking myself if I could do it all again, would I do anything different? And what exactly did I do? Love too much? Care too much? My bad, I always said I loved him more than he loved more....and it seems now he never really loved me at all, my father takes great delight in telling me "I told you so..." maybe he was right, he was playing me all along, for the whole time. He used me to fill up his empty days, his lonely life and when he no longer had free time , time for me,  he cast me away like yesterday's trash. And I gave him the means to do it. People keep telling me I was too good for him, he was mediocre, that I'll find someone else and have a better life...but I don't want anyone else, I want him, I want the life I planned with him, any other life is meaningless.
What do I have to look forward to, now the love of my life is gone? A lonely future, a second grade relationship, nothing...
I don't want to live anymore........I can't live in a world where he doesn't love me...where he can't even bring himself to give a shit enough to talk to me, or even reply to my emails...I can't take his sadness anymore...it hurts too much...